ZARA BANGS

sensitivity

2011-10-20T00:36:00.002+08:00

My topic for today is absolutely subjective, but to each his own.

This word had been playing a great role in my much mundane life today. I must say that I am referring to emotional sensitivity because I do wonder, what is the barrier before we actually intrudes someone's sensitive spot?

I am not writing it for a personal cause, I truly have all these question marks in my brains. Who sets the barrier so that we will not hurt the feelings of the person we actually intended no harm upon?

I never liked hurting anyone's feelings and I feel very guilty each time my words pricks someone's heart whether I intentionally or unintentionally did that. I am truly sorry for being a jackass sometimes but I guess the extrovert personality really kicks a million different kind of hormones in my body.

How am I doing now in life?

Truth is I have never felt any better.

I am starting to genuinely love my job now. It sounds pretty tacky but I mean it. I probably did this confession because I know someone is reading my blog but honestly, I started loving coming here because of you, you and you. My colleagues are the best, I swear :)

Hello October 2011

2011-10-17T03:01:00.002+08:00

I know I hardly blog these days because I am one of those people who actually gave up writing after embarking on a career. Nobody really reads a blog nowadays because most people would like to tweet their mind out.

Thanks to twitter, we no longer need no blog.

Currently, my life is revolved around the girls I care for who are hurt by their partners. Come on boys, stop thinking with your dicks. The Almighty blessed you with brains for god's sake.

So what if the girl you are with now lacks of a hundred million things?

What makes you think that you lack no nothing?

For all you know, we girls always have to put up with men ultimate ego & their unnecessary attitude-problem which has never been a pride of a relationship. I do agree that the one with the testicles obviously have to be the one wearing the pants. However, stop discriminating your women.

Have some balls and don't do the things you don't want your partners to do. There's always this hierarchy issue or the discrimation which is a definite prick. You gotta mind your partner's little heart.

Tell me something earthlings, one day when you finally fall in love with someone you know is so special, someone you wish to love endlessly, someone you believe you cannot live without (i know its an understatement, but still...)... What if he/she actually hit the reality back real hard at you, cheats on you & fuck off from your life?

What if he/she actually forgets all about the sacrifices you've made for each other, erase all memories & the times spend together? What if...

So remember, do unto others, what you do not wants others to do unto you :)

i must be bored

2011-08-20T14:00:00.002+08:00

You guessed it right judging by my heading, I am feeling zonked out. I am at work and the call volume is not too bad on weekends, except during the statement period. Its a Saturday and just like most youngsters out there I do have plans.

I was told that I can no longer label myself as a teenager and I do questioned myself why? No teen at the back of my age means goodbye to being one? Oh wells.

I believe life gets pretty mundane as we aged because the only thing I look forward to everyday is meeting my boyfriend after work, and impatiently wishing time will fly fast enough for me to kiss my comfy bed and best-smelling pillows. Haha.

But I do have a glitch in the wee hours. I just can't sleep. It really sucks when you cannot sleep, okay.

Alright so Ramadhan is ending while Syawal is approaching. Live it up as Muslims ya'll. Do not hate and do not discriminate, there is more to life than to waste your life on nutcrackers like Alex Chang & that 'songsang' Asy'ari. God knows how to spell his name, not worth remembering.

I love Allah and I believe in his prophets, namely Rasulullah, Nabi Muhammad S.A.W.
I love Islam & everyone else too.
I am not a racist and I do not discriminate anyone regardless of their shortcomings.
Everyone is blessed to be beautiful and this is what Islam has taught me, to respect :)

Wassalam.

story of my life as of August 2011

2011-08-13T16:11:00.003+08:00

Hello everybody, its been eons since I have last penned my thoughts here. Honestly, as I am growing older, (god I speak as if I am seriously growing grey/white hair all over the top) I find less joy in blogging.

Particularly when it comes to putting my thoughts into long-winded words which I know no one will definitely want to read. Hence, I pretty much transported all thoughts to "re-blogging". Hell yeah, haven't you heard?

The social medium gets boring over time and youngsters tend to switch over to new, interesting and exciting mediums like tumblr & twitter.

The best thing about twitter is that I kinda "blog" every second. For tumblr, it gets me lazy, true. But it is very time consuming to type and think like I do now. Although I know I kinda have the flair of writing crap, so if there is any scholarships for such majors or degrees, you know who to find? *winks*

So its time for me to embark on an entirely new chapter.

I will probably get engaged to the love of my life by end of the year, and most probably be his wife in two years time. See, my life changed. Drastically as a matter of factly.

But I bear no grudges nor I hold no regrets.

Moreover, I have met new people and get closer to really trusted and loyal ones.
I should name them, my darling K.P.T which I should never disclose what the acronyms stood strong for. But they are no other than my beloved Atika & Sabariah whom I wanna grow old with and spend my housewives-dayout with our children, without our husbands and still bitch with each other about... each other! Hehe gosh I love them to every bits and pieces, honestly.

Not forgetting our senior girlfriends who will probably be the first to get menopause like Kak Qidah, Kak Silah, Izyan, Haha, Fafa etc. Hahaha omg they will kill me if they ever read this. But they too, I won't trade for anything else no matter how far apart we are, how less we see of each other, and how annoying and rude some of them can be because I love every bit of it. I do!

Truthfully, I have never been happier despite facing financial burdens in my life. I am surrounded by so much love, so much so that I fear of leaving them away from this world. I cannot imagine living without them, neither can I imagine them living without me. I am so selfish, no?

I also met with very interesting new people who are related to my boyfriend's circle of life and I wished to get to know them better in person, for there were some who are just not worth knowing honestly. Nonetheless, I am one for honesty. I abhor hypocrisy and therefore you don't see me shaking hands nor smile at you for whatever fuck reason. You probably tarnished my reputation, my dignity and perhaps yourself :D

That's about it, hell yeah story of my life.
Another Syawal awaits me and this could probably be the last year I am wholly single. Because next year, I am some lucky man's fiancee! Dang, excited much hehehe. Insyaallah amiin.

Couldn't feel more blessed to have such a wonderful and beautiful family. My life, my soul.

With lots of love,
Yours Truly

angrehhhh

2011-04-20T11:18:00.003+08:00

I am feeling super angry at this very moment. Nothing is going right, everything is going wrong today. Ya Allah, provide me with your utmost blessings and guidance please...

i couldn't be any more happier

2011-04-14T17:06:00.002+08:00

Good day everyone, I am currenly working for ANZ. Its a great job with wonderful collagues whom had indirectly motivate me to be at work almost every single day of the week. To some who had bid farewell, I would definitely miss you people.

I believe my life is taking it's course as I have never felt so grateful and delighted in a long time. I am back home with my superb family and I vow not to leave by their side till my time comes.

I pray that Allah will bless this family of ours with eternal happiness and good health so that we could all spend more fruitful time in this world together. Insyaallah, we will be united in the HereAfter...

Amiin...

I love my family so much.

formspring.me

2011-04-07T08:35:00.001+08:00

Ask away :) http://formspring.me/zarabangs

if i was given one more chance

2011-03-28T12:15:00.002+08:00

I yearn to hear your voice, and the warm embrace that you were empowered to give since my birth. I yearn for the endless and undivided attention, much to your surprise. It's been half a year since I've been away, is there still a chance for me to make everything right?

This unperturbed solace is undesirable for the rest of my life as I would prefer to live with chaos and noise every single day.

It's so bitter to be who I am right now without the best people I do need in my life. It's as if I am without a backbone.

I am coming home this Sunday, do wait for me...

almost half a year now

2011-03-17T12:53:00.002+08:00

The last time I posted an entry was in January. I lost my previous job which I hated so much and right now, I am definitely grateful that I have a stable career now. Something good in my life, alas.

I am so tempted to text my mummy. I missed her, so very much.
Does she miss me too? :/

I replied my daddy's texts yesterday...
I missed you.

listless as everrr

2011-01-20T15:27:00.002+08:00

Hmm, I really missed this guy right here. I have never had a relationship so chaotic like ours. But I do thank him for all the experiences in life that I get first-hand and he is the best among the rest, I don't deny that.

I just wished things were a lot easier for the both of us back then. It had caused me deep grievance and it still hurts up till now just by the thought of it.

I thank you for being so sweet throughout, guiding me through my darkest hour, taking care of the losses that I can never get back... and so on.

I couldn't ask for more.

Do take care of yourself always, sweet love.

what a bang

2011-01-17T19:34:00.002+08:00

Holla everyone, I guessed its been over a week since I have last updated my blog. But thanks to Kechique Star I am able to use her notebook for a bit and update the latest pinch of my never-ending drama.

Heads up, I just got fired last week. I could scream a hell lot of profanities, maybe I should but fuck no, a waste of my breath, time and energy. :)

I regretted not accepting the position at ANZ. Definitely a damsel in distress right now.

Alright, miseries over and done with. Getting a new job asap or else, how the fuck am I gonna pay for my rent?

Happy Birthday, Maisarah. Kakak tau Mai pandai and hardworking, so I am sure you will ace your O levels. No biggie for you, sister. Just know that Kakak sayang Mai very much okay? I missed you babygirl. Okay right, like you even read this. Take care, always.

at my lowest

2011-01-06T10:49:00.005+08:00

then you wake up one day
all your dreams somehow
faded away
the road that you followed
had turned
You can't find where the
fire once burned
can't look yourself straight
in the eyes
in your heart of hearts�
you've compromised
baby one day we'll all cross
that line
it's just a matter of time
it's just a matter of time

all alone in the still of the night
you come face to face with
your pride
and how much you wanted
it all
you can't believe now you're
taking the fall

all you will never know

2011-01-05T10:09:00.003+08:00

You will never know,
what it means, to love me
and you will never know,
what these two lips taste like to kiss
you can just suppose to what my body feels like to hold
hope you can deal with, all you will never know
about me, what I see, what I believe in,
how I breathe, when I weep...

i need a new hair

2011-01-04T16:23:00.002+08:00

fuck.my.hair.

So here it goes, a point I have to make it clear - those posts were not meant for a guy. You should really read between the lines. I warned you it's so difficult to decipher my writings and I.

So long, love...

2011

2011-01-04T10:37:00.003+08:00

I don't make resolutions because I hate disappointing myself over and over again and I believe that resolutions could just be another bag of nothing but hopes. Yeah, hopes that you can either achieve or just keep on hoping until forever more.

I don't need to make resolutions every new year because the outcome will always turn out disastrous for me no matter which path I chose. So here I am, still young and wanting to stay happy.

I don't think it's too much to ask for, right?

So Happy New Year to all :D

after 5 years

2010-12-28T10:52:00.003+08:00

After five long years, I have finally reached my 900th post and I am still so loyal to Blogger. Like who still read blogs anyway? Nonetheless, I still do pen down my thoughts here whenever I feel like it.

2010 is ending soon and I will bid goodbye to being a teenage in July next year. Honestly, I fear turning 20 of age so much because it sounds pretty old. When I was younger, I used to look up to older peers and I thought that I should call people of that age "Aunty/Uncle" and now... I wonder what the younger generation views at me are since I do have friends who have at least one child already calling me Aunty!

Thank God for a longer weekend. Adieu!

A christmas

2010-12-23T10:40:00.003+08:00

I have never celebrated Christmas my whole life and there will never be a first time either. So if you ask me what I'll be doing on a Christmas, I will just shrug it off. Heh. I just need a rest.

I realized that reality will hit you hard once you value and step into adulthood. At this age, I am supposed to be studying and enjoying life with zest but here I am, stuck with my day job.

I know right, working in a bank is a killer. Their benefits are way better and they have great job prospects as well. You know what, I am so tired. I was showing my colleagues my family photos and they were like dissing me as they claimed that my brother looked European, my sisters looked south African and Chinese/Japanese respectively - AND THAT I LOOKED LIKE A FREAKING BLACK BITCH. Bastard right that stupid ****! Haha.

I think I am growing up to be a darker and bigger version of my mum. Oh blimey!

the weird happenings

2010-12-20T11:30:00.002+08:00

Oh dear, sometimes I wonder what is the limit to all these weird happenings? I do wish that I don't have to feel so emotional each time of the week for some foreseen circumstances which I usually dealt with an eye closed. It's infuriating a great deal out of me and I guess the fault should begin with me due to my incompetent choices. One drama after another have just led me to believe in what I should have always believed but you've always knew the right moment to lift my spirits high up again and I couldn't deny myself that I loved you more each day without even having to utter a single word of love.

What is so difficult about this is that I get very impatient and I hate sharing. But I've got to despite the fact that I am selfish and so much so I abhor whatever I am doing because I feel truly unhappy at the end of the day. If only I could achieve my self-esteem yet again, I'd know how to deal with things the right way. I would know how to fend for myself without having to worry who's right behind me. Nonetheless, I wished someday you could see the good in me like I've always seen in you.

After all, we are all soldiers of our own fortune.

the need to express yourself

2010-12-17T09:57:00.004+08:00

No one have any idea how much it hurts. No one truly knows what it feels like to be me. I have no one to turn to at this very moment to lean on a shoulder and cry. I just need to weep and I couldn't find a trusted shelter at all. These are pictures of the people that I have missed so much, the ones I'd die for.

I am currently infected with fever and a shocking flu that's rocking my immune system. I am feeling so exhausted and all I need right now is to fall into a deep slumber.

After 17 months, you're still here loving me even after everything that I've caused you. It's eating me up that I feel as if I am never good enough for everybody that I loved(d). I love you too and I missed you so fucking much, I am so sorry...

A mother's cooking

2010-12-15T11:46:00.004+08:00

You'll never know how to appreciate something so valuable unless you've lost it. I have always felt that nothing could replace my mother's wonderful and beyond delicious cooking, and my statement still stands. You can never decipher why do you hear everybody bragging about their mother's cooking is the best because fyeahhh it is.

Nothing could ever replace the same hands that has nurtured one through these years. The power of a Mother's Touch. She's the cutest mother in the world, I swear!

Bapak's 45th

2010-12-13T12:08:00.003+08:00

You see the handsome and pretty ones in pink, they are both my parents. Today marks my daddy's 45th birthday and I am still as useless as ever even after he raised me up for 19 years of my life. I pray for his eternal happiness, longevity of health and life and nothing more but to see him smile like always. I am out of ways to bring back his smile. I wished he knew how much I love and missed and think of him every single day and night without fail. My apologies for my mischief, I am never good enough...

Happy Birthday, Bapakku yang tersayang. The King of my heart. I love you, always.

Your Princess.

very dear to my heart

2010-12-09T20:02:00.003+08:00

Words cannot describe how dear they are to me. I only prayed that they are always safe and happy always and forever. In my heart, these three people as well as the the two angelic beings who brought us to this world are indispensable. For the rest of my life...

Mantra

2010-12-08T16:04:00.002+08:00

Hello people of the world. Basically I would just like to share to the shadows of my blog that this movie is really awesome! Everyone should watch it because this movie is goddamn way better than all the other (malay) horror movies.

I hope they are doing fine. I wished they knew how terribly I missed and think of them every single day. I prayed that one day they would all forgive me and my sheer stupidity. I cling on to the hope that one day, when I return, I won't be empty handed like I've always been. It will only bring shame to myself. You've brought me up very well, I don't deny it. But I couldn't face you, just yet. Especially not when I have wronged you in so many terrible ways. I want to make you proud. I still hold on to that dream. Please have a little bit of faith in me, just like both of you had always have whenever it comes to me, your princess.

I know you still love me, because without the both of you - I will be nothing in this world...

crazy sales

2010-12-02T11:45:00.001+08:00

It's already the last month of the year and everywhere you go there will be crazy sales trying to rob your heart (and money). My last drawn salary was the highest salary I have ever obtained in my entire 19 years and 4 months of my lifetime and now I'm only left with $xxx. I blame the sales for turning me into a shopaholic.

I've got a new job offer and I guess I am enjoying life job-hopping. They're offering me $xxxx and I am absolutely delighted plus sexcited!

Tomorrow night will be less delightful for me. You know what Decembers do to employees... Zzz.

november ends

2010-11-30T09:33:00.002+08:00

I don't anticipate the months because my life is extremely jaded nowadays. All I do is wake up in the morning, go to work and dread my job, at times I starve myself, then I return home to stare at the ceiling and just keep on staring. I have nothing better to do, really.

Apart from this, I have been very distant to everyone in my life and even those who are so dear to me. There is a sense of guilt in me because I cannot live up to people's expectations therefore, I need to climb this long ladder fast and do something to me that will make these precious beings see the good in me.

I can only plan, but the Almighty will decide what's best for me.

Till then, you won't see me giving up.

890th post

2010-11-25T15:04:00.002+08:00

I have kept this blog for 4 years now, I believed. There surely are sweet and bitter memories because I am just human and my life has never-ending drama. The pinchy feeling in my tummy had been so troublesome and there is a never a day I wished that this pain will go away. Sigh. I feel so sleepy every single day. I will embrace T.G.I.F tomorrow with open arms, wheee~

Next week is my payday and hopefully my earnings will pull me through this time round. Thank you, God.

my saturtoday

2010-11-20T18:07:00.001+08:00

I have got nothing to do so I am updating my blog now. I am truly disappointed in you. You have been very insensitive all these while. Where do I stand in your priority list? I am emotional and tired of listening to your excuses so whateverrr I will just be quiet for now. Let me do whatever I want. Goodbye...

a million episodes

2010-11-16T14:23:00.002+08:00

If I ever write a book or make a movie out of my own life, I think there will definitely be too much drama. You know, just like some bollywood movies. Perhaps, all kinda malay or indian movies does that, I must say. There's a drama in a drama, get it?

In times like these, I do feel as if someone just shot a hole right through my chest for no apparent reason. I will feel empty when everybody is leaving me. One by one, they all are. I am leaving all of you too one fine day. This empty feeling is surely eating me up, whole.

There's something that I am definitely unhappy about ; being alone. I despise being alone. I hate to be in crowds too. Conflict of interests, you can say but I like being in a moderate environment especially when there's peace and harmony.

A little note, tomorrow is Hari Raya Aidiladha. It will be pretty much different for me this year because just like any other crazy bugger who has to work on a weekend or a public holiday, I will be rotting at home with no one to speak to. I have never missed out on something so much more important too. It's my Parents' 21st Anniversary tomorrow and I will always pray that they would be eternally happy. I am ashamed that I should have been the child they never had because they are really wonderful parents who had accepted me even if I was borne with one less eye or lack of limbs you see. I must be an ingrate.

But there is another important thing that I would like to mention here, so pardon my impoliteness.

Makcik ingat anak makcik tu baik sangat ke pe?!

That's all for today. I need a break from this hectic life for the time being. I hate being alone but I am mustering every courage I have to deal with my life the way I have chosen it to be. I know, I am strong enough and I will do it!

A little bit longer

2010-11-15T16:23:00.000+08:00

A little bit longer, and I'll be fine...

why you should wear shades when you go out?

2010-11-12T11:15:00.004+08:00

In order to avoid "staring incidents" which seemed to be a problem here in Singapore, the government should implement the use of googles or shades when one is out in the public. If you don't already know what I am talking about, you can just shoot yourself because you don't have to be a busybody to not know about what happened recently in Downtown East and also Bukit Panjang.

What kind of cheap thrill do they gain from these slashing eh? Hmm, I wonder.
I had quite a laugh regarding the incident at Bukit Panjang because even though the victim had claimed that he wasn't from the named gang-association, he was still slashed.

If it were to happen to me and they asked, "Are you from (insert's gang
name)?"
And I were to answer, "No, I was from work." or "No, I am from...
MENDAKI/MUIS" for that mattered, will I get slashed too? Perhaps, he should have
said some association related to him and they might as well slash themselves.
Confirm, bingit sendiri one I tell you.

Eerie thoughts are clouding my pea brains again. Hahaha. I've heard rumours about the government having intentions to implement a curfew for those aged below 21. Wow, after which they will increase to 30, then 40 and lastly 45. So only the Senior Citizens can sit under the void deck and play guitar in time to come. Okay kidding. But okay what, they will only sing happy cute songs. Not like our typical Mat Jiwangz where the melody sounds all the same to me.

Okay I think I had enough crapping. I just want to say this out, why are you looking for me again? Pfft.

singapore also can sesat

2010-11-10T16:23:00.002+08:00

I swear Science Park II is damn ulu, please. The directions was quite summarised easily, credits to gothere.com - this is credits to Lawrence as well. Hahaha. Corporate dressing huh?

Tomorrow is supposedly one of my big examinations in life but then... that has got to wait I guess. Or in other words, I let this one pass me by. As such, so many friends of mine called me stupid for ditching it but then again, my decision is mine to bear.

I really cannot stand drunkards, they are very scary!

with old emails

2010-11-08T14:14:00.003+08:00

As usual, the title is pretty much not related to what I have to say here. I think I am always surrounded by crazy woman - seriously, ladies who are mentally disturbed. I don't know what the fuck is her problem but guess what, I think you are fucking funny.

Anyways, I found the following notes thrashed in my old email so I would like to share it with everyone - if there are human beings who would actually read my blog. Well, here it goes ;

Islamic Law for pregnancy before marriage

Important info, though, na'uzubillah-himinan-zalik, let's just pray that this will/has not happen to anybody we know or we do not know.

Please pass to all your Muslim friends.

If it is not too much to find out Q2 & Q3 because many Muslims actually get their children marry off once they know that their daughter is carrying anillegitimate child.

A question was asked of the Imam recently, which raised many other questions. I would like to share them with you, as they are very important:

Question 1: What is the correct thing to do when a girl becomes pregnant outside of marriage?
Answer 1: She should not marry anyone until the baby is born.

Question 2: Assuming the father of the child wants to marry her, can he?
Answer 2: No, he cannot marry her, until the baby is born.

Question 3: Is the marriage valid if they did marry?
Answer 3: No, the marriage contract is invalid. A Muslim cannot marry a pregnant woman, even if he is the biological father.

Question 4: If they are already married, after finding out she is pregnant, what should they do now to correct it?
Answer 4: They should separate. She should wait for confirmation that she is not pregnant. They can then marry, as this will be now a legal marriage by Islamic law.

Question 5: What if they don't correct it?
Answer 5: They will still living in a relationship of Zina as the Marriage contract is not valid.

Question 6: What are the rights of the child that was conceived outside marriage?
Answer 6: According to the scholars, the child does not belong to the biological father by Islamic law. Hence, the child cannot inherit anything from the biological father. The biological father also has no rights over the child.

Question 7: If you say that the biological father is not the father by Islamic law, does that mean he cannot be the mahram of his own biological daughter (that is conceived outside marriage)?
Answer 7: Yes, he cannot be her mahram.

Question 8: A Muslim man and a Muslim (or Non-Muslim) woman decides to get married after having lived together, how should they go about it?
Answer 8: They must separate immediately and the woman must wait for one menstrual cycle (To prove she is not pregnant), before they can enter into a Marriage contract.

Question 9: If I know someone that is in this situation, should I tell them about what I have learnt or is it none of my business?
Answer 9: It is your Islamic duty to inform them, so they can rectify their situation, otherwise all the children from that relationship will be born outside an Islamic legal marriage.

just feel like it

2010-11-04T10:30:00.002+08:00

I really feel like blogging now even though my life is so mundane right now and I've got nothing productive to say. I was pondering for quite awhile and was practically having a Q&A session with myself. Being a Sales Executive is pretty fun only that working in MNC is so challenging that I am not so sure whether I should take up the offer. I can be pretty "spectacular" when it comes to talking "cock" but the job scope are giving me the chills, man.

That aside, I think if I have a baby one day, I don't want to give my baby fanciful names. I should give them short, simple and sweet kampong names like... I don't know. Anything that ends with a rah at the back just like me and the other females in my family. This too, aside.

As I mentioned earlier, I had the urge to blog and here I am, ranting.

I don't like the smell of alcohol. I know this is very random but I just feel like making this statement. If I couldn't stand the smell of it, would I even drink it?! I mean, I rather gulp down a whole bottle of cough syrup if I want to feel 'high' instead of the usual 'drown myself in sorrow' plight by - nonetheless, alcoholic drinks. I can't imagine myself drinking anyways.

That would be krik, krik, krik.

Happy Deepavali, I will be bored to death I know. Okay bye.

the lowlife

2010-11-03T13:10:00.002+08:00

It's funny how someone wants to laugh at your lifestyle when theirs is being a major laughingstock since forever. You know you've been a joke. You know that aside from your monstrous figure, you're always mocked at for being a mat-wannabe. Do you think your mat-life can bring you somewhere down the road? If you feel that you can laugh at another person's change in lifestyle, what makes you think others aren't laughing at yours? You're fucking pathetic, Syed Muhd Izzat.

Sorry, but I didn't grow up to be a fairy godmother. Truthfully, I have never really cared what you do in your life because it's none of my business. You are such a joke. We'll see who will have the last laugh, okay bitch?

gofuckyourselfseriously

2010-11-01T15:51:00.002+08:00

Fact is, I am frustrated with you. I really am. You are only hurting yourself and truth be told, I swear I can't be bothered anymore. Go fuck yourself, seriously. You live your life, I live mine. Thankfully, I am definitely happy with mine - unlike YOU. You're doing this to yourself. So don't blame others who eventually stopped caring for you. In the first place, you are just being one melodramatic-emotional-wreck bitch.

880th

2010-10-29T17:21:00.002+08:00

I pretty much have nothing to update actually but I have been absent for work for a holy three days. Know why? Because missy here had been infected with the influenza. I like to exaggerate but truthfully, I have been infected with high fever, terrible coughs, flu and a bleeding nose. Some cow in the office had caused some mad pig disease around here because practically everyone is sneezing out yellowish fluid. Gross.

I've been showering myself in freezing cold baths but the fever just won't go away. On a lighter note, I refused to pay a visit to the patient-awaiting doctors. The moolahs aren't going big either this time. :D

At the rate that I am going, I might just lose my job. Hurhur.

But in any case, I think I am just a lonely sad person today. Let's just pray for me to recover soon. Okay bye!

so thank the haze

2010-10-25T17:48:00.004+08:00

Thanks to the haze, I think I am affected because I have been falling ill since yesterday. I was coughing non-stop and my body temperature was rising. It felt a bit too cold in the morning as I was dressing up for work. The bloody traffic congestion enhanced on my late coming just like every other Mondays. The step-sister and step-brother was mocking me for my frequent missing-in-action during office hours. I hate days when I fell ill and everything just doesn't seem right.

Nothing seems right.

I've been starving myself a lot lately. Well, what's with the new job and not-so-generous pay. I'm working on it. =/

My throat is hurting.

RIP IT Guy

2010-10-20T11:37:00.003+08:00

For death is but a passing phase of Life;
A change of dress, a disrobing;
A birth into the unborn again;
A commencing where we ended;
A starting where we stopped to rest;
A crossroad of Eternity;
A giving up of something, to possess all things.
The end of the unreal, the beginning of the real.

EDWIN LEIBFREED, "The Song of the Soul"

He's young and have adorable boyish characteristics. We'll always remember him. My condolences to your family. You've been a great asset to all of us, I supposed. So innocent, RIP.

No more "I'm a lazy fat pig..." :')

so warm

2010-10-18T17:06:00.003+08:00

Hugging you made me so much happier because the days and weeks that had past, I only manged to relish the feelings of missing you through pictures, secretly. I felt so happy beyond words and nothing could express this warm emotions up till now. I am not talking about a boy that I am in love with. I am talking about the one little boy I have loved all my life. And he remains a boy in my eyes, one lovable boy who had expressed how much he misses me too. I shed silent tears and seeing you walk away was painful, but I had to live with this. See you down the road soon XOXO.

the switch

2010-10-15T16:40:00.002+08:00

Something worth watching, a bit of humor and romance injected - almost bringing tears to someone's eyes. Damn hilarious. Haha.

whack-ed

2010-10-14T11:26:00.002+08:00

Apparently, THE BITCH who thinks she owns & "belonged" to Singapore seemed to feel like she's on top of the world. I honestly need to sit back and watch her crumble, till then we'll see who will have the last laugh. Fancy speaking, the other you, you are simply raising tensions among different people who are supposedly friends. If there are more people like you, the world will see no significant in having friends. I am not surprised about your past, though. You deserved it for having such a stinking mouth.

Holla, I am happier without having to see your faces anyways.

missing piece

2010-10-11T16:51:00.002+08:00

Hi, I missed you so much you know.
It's weird looking at your pictures and reading what you wrote.
It's as if I am looking into the mirror.
You have my features, the writing style and all.
It makes me closer to you somehow. I am drawn to every little word that you wrote because it makes me feel whole somewhere deep inside - where its hurting and killing me so much to be far apart from everyone.

I have made up my mind on quite a number of plans that I have laid out for myself. Yes, I am selfish. I want to do something with my life. To achieve greater success and with the minimal education level that I have, I doubt I could go very far. Therefore, I will make every impossible means possible to make my dreams come true.

I missed my folks, a tad too much.

it's high time

2010-10-08T15:15:00.002+08:00

There were times when it felt as if I have lost all hopes to live. There were those excruciating moments when I felt truly lonely. I had gone through moments where I felt suicidal whenever I felt my soul being eaten up. I can never get the right words out of my mouth. I can never express what I truly feel inside me because the outcome of hurting the ones that I very much love most in this earth will be disastrous.

I believe that my existence is very much a nuisance to many. Hence, that explains. I may not clearly explain whatever I am trying to say here because I choose to be precise in every little word that I am letting out.

No, I wouldn't say much.

It seems that bottling up my feelings are eating me up. I don't feel so whole anymore because a large part of my sanity as well as humanity had flown away somewhere far. Life doesn't feel so real anymore. It's weird.

You know, I am not depressed. Don't worry. I am just burning with desires. So many desires in this life which I have yet to explore. I have yet to see the world. To understand what it feels like out there with nobody I know. Being with complete strangers is a stepping stone because it shows so much more of me, what I have learned so far.

Truth be told, only I can understand these things that I am writing because I never want anyone else to understand anything about me. Nothing, ever.

you have no idea how much its hurting

2010-09-30T14:22:00.001+08:00

You think I want this?

first conference meeting

2010-09-29T14:35:00.001+08:00

This is my first conference meeting working here and I am feeling very sleepy. Too many information to store inside my pea brains! How?!

stressed out like hell

2010-09-28T15:24:00.003+08:00

In the morning, I felt absolutely lethargic to drag my ass off to work. It's just this raging hormones inside me that's dying to burst out into balls of flames for no apparent reason. Wait, I think there are many great reasons why I want to burst into flames (metaphorically, that is).

The thought of dragging my ass to work today was painful, somehow. Vivid images of my Lady Boss, Project Manager & even the Senior Manager was running through my mind. When one image left, the other comes in. It's sick, I know. I don't have to be reminded on how delusional this is but I feel sick to the stomach after reading the conversation among my 'hierarchy' here.

I feel very grateful that my Senior Manager feels that I am an invaluable asset to the company but then again, there's quite a handful who makes me feel like I am trapped in a turtle shell. So squeezy and suffocated. I just want to screaaaammm!

Enough pressure, I need to get my head back into work and do what I do best. Not.

Furthermore, there's a little witch right behind yours truly & trying to annoy me by reading whatever I am typing. Thank goodness for this thirteen years of friendship and our beloved kechique star who's sitting right at the very corner of this office. I love them to every bits and pieces for making my journey in this life at our company, a bearable slumber (even though its unbearable, I tell you!). Thank Allah for the company I have sitting beside and around me. They never fail to cheer me up in many ways. Thanks a lot you guys :)

I missed my boyfriend so much. I wonder how's he coping in the remote jungle. Okay fine, I know I sound so melodramatic, but who cares? I love him anyways! Hope he eats well and gets enough rest after every painstaking day.

PUHLARSTIC

2010-09-27T07:56:00.002+08:00

As simple as life's supposed to be, there's always a complicated turn somehow. My emotions are revolving around this 'plastic' world. It seems to me that no matter where I go, there's a plastic in everyone including me. I don't like this plastic world at all.

Are we out to kill each other's soul? Are we bent on hurting each other forever? You told me you'll treat me like an adult, but you're repeating that one thing I hated most. Only psychotic people are being treated this way. It's not wise at all for you to do this to me yet again. You wish to kill me slowly, fine. Do this. You rather I die, I know.

I've never felt that these three words would be so true & I would feel so close to it. Seriously, FUCK MY LIFE!

i have made you angry

2010-09-25T20:41:00.001+08:00

I have made my father angry. Very angry. I am not a good daughter & I don't know what to do. I cannot face my parents anymore. So embarrassing.

we're all a part of...

2010-09-23T15:55:00.004+08:00

I am having a big fight with my boyfriend. It's so difficult not meeting nowadays. I can barely remember when was the last time we spent quality time together. I seriously hate this feeling. He's been busy with the jungle/camp courses plus staying in and all. Haiz. The whole of next week he will be having outfield in one of those jungles in Singapore & there won't be any reception for sure. I hate his NS life cannnn!

I just missed you so very much, boyfriend. I missed you so much that it hurts missing you. I wished you'd missed me too :')

At times, my job would take its toll on me. Even though we had a productive meeting yesterday, I still feel as if I have yet to voice out many unhappy things. Today I was taught how to use the personal ID for Malaysia. It was pretty awesome lah! Still, this crazy project has a life span of two more weeks and we're all running out of time. I am handling this country's call list alone. Sighs :(

There's company day tomorrow so the whole company will be out after half day work. We're all supposed to set out in the transport provided to wherever the bus brings us to & play games. My team suggested names like "Swatch", "Coolies" & "Team Caps". Come on you guys. Seriously?!

I really love lunch hours like today. We would all just sit, talk, eat & laugh, laugh, laugh. My pay this month will be really pathetic, I tell you. Already I was not working due to the festive season on so many days. I even took half-day leave the other day before raya. Goshhh, my pay will be cut off siak. Thanks to the no-pay leave due to my probation period loh. Worst still being late by a minute, counts okay.

Sometimes I wonder if you people really want me out of your lives because everyday seems to be a torture for us to face each other. :'(

adult, huh?

2010-09-21T16:45:00.002+08:00

Ever since I was young, I was constantly reminded by my folks that being an adult will be extremely hard. Either that, or I was hallucinating about adulthood. I have to admit that I do not enjoy growing up so fast. I wished I was in primary school where all I could think about was getting all Band 1's in every subject. Seriously, I was a geek. All I wanted was to impress my parents because I felt that it's my duty since I am the eldest of four. I never realized how important I am to them. I never knew how precious I am to their big hearts. I don't understand why are they so tight up about every little (or huge) mistakes that I have made in my life. I never understood why are they always crying over my brother & I. I never understood their hardship of bringing us up. I never really told them, or show them how much I truly & deeply from the bottom of my heart appreciate every single thing that I could ever recall about what they have done for me to ensure that I get the best of everything in life and be the best in their eyes.

I am so ashamed of myself. I am so ashamed to face my parents, even now. I have yet to bring a satisfied smile to their faces before I leave their home and they will have to let me go reluctantly to someone else's hands - no matter how hard it is.

We spend about two to three decades with our parents and the rest of our lifetime with (insyaallah) the new family that we would probably build to last. So far, all I did was hurt them. I am no good at all. :'(

I want to get a new job. My company is so fond of cutting our salary even when you're a minute late. Haiz. I don't get allowance for coming early is it? -.-

in my head

2010-09-19T13:04:00.002+08:00

Holla, I had a wonderful raye yesterday. But I made my daddy mad for ditching him on his Perjumpaan Hari Raye event which my siblings were cursing about when I got home. I think I deserved a pat on my shoulders for coming home before Midnight yesterday. Hoho.

My boyfriend's buying me an MP3. I am so excited. I don't want fancy gadgets so I told him to buy me the simplest & smallest plus cheapest. Haha.

Happy 20th birthday sayang! Love you baby!

Oh, to Abang Jajam as well. So krepot uh 24 years old already. :)

Sincere apologies from the person who's always taking advantage of your money

2010-09-17T01:59:00.002+08:00

I just realised certain things after bloghopping but I guess I wouldn't want to elaborate on that. I am too sick & tired.

Sometimes I feel like spilling it out that HE thinks SHE was so clingy & HE gets so rimas with every lame texts and the frequent complains about HER past. I am not mean okay but after what SHE told HIM about my boyfriend and I,(about me especially) - it really hurts but because I loved her so much I preferred to stay away from her since HE had told HER that if I want to, I would find her. This happened a year ago, during raye.

I know I had financial shortcomings at some points in my life but my "tailong" post definitely had no ulterior motives which you have highlighted into negative perspectives. I respected & appreciated everything that you have done for me since day one not just because you're older but its because you've earned my respect for so long as a person. But you know nuts about my past, HE knows of course & I was against HIM telling you because I know what your potential reactions would be. I introduced HIM to YOU & despite his rants, he seemed so close to you that somehow I find it so contradicting but I brushed the thoughts aside. You're even a clique now I am honestly, happy that both of you are happy with it. It's deeply disappointing because this is not the first time I've heard you bitching things about me anyways.

I am an imperfect person & I know nobody expects sympathy. But I truly loved you as a sister, why do you have to say all that about me? All these years, I have never confronted you simply because I know, I cannot stop you from bitching about me.

For all you know, I have always highly regarded you as someone significant in my life but I wonder, do I have the same spot in yours? I doubt so, right? I have always wanted to be there for you despite my busy wheezy schedule 'with my boyfriend' as you put it. You just never notice how awkward it'd be for me to be there for you when you prove no significance of me in your life. You shut me out yet you're saying I only need you with the visualisation that you're a walking ATM machine to me.

I thank you for being so nice to me that you think I am treating you like a bank book. I won't bother you or your life anymore. The sole reason I stayed away from you was because of things you've said to HIM that had hurt me. But I bore no grudge as you've mentioned that you only wanna be happy with people who wants to be happy with you, I truly respect that & here I am, disappearing from your life - forever...

Do let me know if there's more to the numbers that I've owed you because I am definitely guilt-ridden to be featured anonymously on your blog.

You don't have to question me because you know yourself better. You jolly well know what you've said & forgive me for being such a letdown in your life, big sister........... I truly am & know that I've always loved you sincerely. Take care, my best wishes for you in my prayers, always. Amiin.

what you should have known since a long time ago

2010-09-16T13:44:00.003+08:00

I don't quite remember when was the last time I wrote "many things" on my blog but I feel like writing a lot today since Big Boss and Lady Boss are not in the office yet. I am pretty elated that today didn't turn out to be a drag after all. However, I am pretty pissed about certain issues at work especially about my salary. There was a lot of miscommunication and it is really wearing me off. I don't even know how I should go about it right now.

How I wished Kirstie is still here, sighs.

At home, I have been squabbling a lot with my siblings but naturally being the eldest, I have to shut the fuck up and put up with it because I was trained to give in. I accept it if it was all my fault, as I am not the best sister you three could ever have - but despite my own individual flaws, that doesn't mean you could just disrespect me in any way you wished.

For all the retards who are bitching about my parents, just bear in mind that one day you will have your own set of juniors so before you say anything - THINK.

Marfujiana, don't let me see you outside. No, I ain't threatening. I know better than to indulge myself into 'uneducated & immature' doings. In case I ever get to see you I would love to say this to your bloody face. If ever you're reading this, I would like to let you know that you're disgusting, not even worth my two cents of respect & you are exceptionally immoral. I have vowed to keep your secrets between us & I have definitely saved your ass pretty much a gazillion times. Been there and done that. Fact is, I don't care if you are shamelessly telling people that I stole your money, your mother's ezlink and your cheap clothes because I pretty much believe people should know better than to believe you. Fortunately your ex-fiance had brains and not stick any longer with you. Standing ovation for your wonderful acting and baseless accusations. We'll see how far you can go with your fairytale lies.

I know you, just too well.

I hate seeing tears in your eyes and if anybody was ever to be blamed, that would be me. Solely me. You don't deserve this, Mum. This is your last year of being in the thirties league and I hoped you've pretty much enjoyed it as you're entering the next notch of leagues. You're the best ever & you've been the best. You're worth my every breath and thank you for bringing me into this world and nurturing me throughout. I love you, endlessly. Happy Birthday, Mummy :D

To you my love, happy 14th Monthsary. We've been this far, sweetheart. I still love you just the same (and more). Hugs. Kisses.

Eid Day Two & Day Three

2010-09-13T01:44:00.004+08:00

I don't feel extremely happy even though its hari raya. Sighs its Monday, so back to work people & worst still, I have been shitting excessively. Oooh tummyache ugh!

eid mubarak

2010-09-12T11:36:00.004+08:00

This is my paternals on the first day of raye. Very much hot pink & happening! :)

Farewell Ramadhan

2010-09-09T17:47:00.003+08:00

Aidilfitri akan menjelang tiba tidak berapa lama lagi. Selamat menyambut Aidilfitri, semua.

M.O.N.E.Y

2010-09-07T12:10:00.002+08:00

Shalom world, I bear grievance since yesterday evening I guess as the consecutive events that occur has lead to severe depressions. There was just so many things that went wrong and I am seriously out of my wits end because of this.

As we aged, the most troublesome issue to deal with is - M.O.N.E.Y!

I am suffering, already.

Seriously, Aidilfitri is arriving in like three days and sadly, the workforce does not have any September holidays. Oh wells, gotta bear with it.

the call lists like knnbccb

2010-09-06T13:26:00.002+08:00

Hi myself, I kind of hate today basically because I have to call the Singapore list as of today. It's damn annoying when they give you a list which has so many missing contacts & you're sort of expected to acquire them through the amazing google website. So far I am feeling like a complete moron as my leads touch is Z-E-R-O.

Just last week, I witnessed a friend being dismissed from this company. Today, I am witnessing another. I am human too and watching tears in their eyes only give me heartache regardless whether they deserve it or not. I hope it won't happen to the rest of us that's left. I am still under probation and I have to admit that this job is pretty torturing, mentally at my worst.

I have to be strong and pull through this hard phase because every job has its challenges. I shall overcome this, especially when my parents are always giving me support in whatever I do. It's payback time.

My short-term goal now is to buy a mattress for mummy & a big mattress too for my sisters and I so that our shared-room won't look like a cave anymore and I'd love it if my back ache will go away soooooon.

Hari Raya is this Friday, it's getting more mundane this time round. Did I mention that I have handed my ATM card to my dad? Boohoo. :/

found

2010-09-05T20:30:00.004+08:00

Found these pictures, I felt like uploading them. Missing my cousins, somehow.

Raye is in less than five days.

I missed my boyfriend lah! :(

4 leads gen, I shall stop

2010-09-02T12:05:00.003+08:00

Today is fairly mundane for me as my wonderful darlings are not present at work. Babar has her mum's surgery to worry about, Atika & Fad are doing their Mr & Mrs Smith saga again. Hopefully, kechique star will be here pretty soon because for the first half of a day now, I am a happy girl. I need to share my joy with someone please!

I managed to obtain 4 leads for now at a rate of 57 outbound calls to date. So now, I am going to shake my booty and relax while everyone is going out to lunch. Hence, I am the only one here taking care of the office. Sighs, I wished the girls are here.

On another note, I am truly flabbergasted. The rest & I felt that its truly immoral & irresponsible of your undermined actions and you expect people to generate sympathy for your own mistakes? We weren't the ones who cut off friendship ties with you but there you go penning crap on your blog as if we are the mean mofos. I am seriously pissed with you. It's already pretty pathetic regarding what you did. Plus, you lack of maturity in handling the problems that you've created & even tried dragging some of us into it. We had your best interest at heart, yet you say all those things about us? It's not the length of the friendship that matters. If you have any pride at all, you don't have to tell us. People are judged by their actions and not by pouring out their feelings. Your sorry is not even worth two cents. You are not sincere about it. How disappointing.

Truthfully, I have made terrible and unthinkable mistakes in my life and I am still struggling to make the best out of it. After a talk to my dad (nothing new), I have finally realized some facts. We spend almost two to three decades with our parents before we embark on a new journey with our future families respectively. Within those two to three decades, what have we done for our parents?

I have achieved zero percentage in giving my parents pride. I have only given them heart ache and pain. I don't deserve to be treated well by them, but I know their love for me is beyond genuine and no matter what I do, since I am their first precious baby, I will always be their princess. Even when I turned 20, 30 or even 60. I may not understand the emotions that binds me to them, but one day when I have my own set of juniors, I will see and feel what they felt. Only then, I will develop a gazillion remorse over all my wrongdoings towards them. That. I don't deny.

I thank them for making me the apple of their eyes, all the time. I love my parents, more than I could ever loved anyone. I love you, Mummy. I love you, Bapak. With that, I would love to bake a cake for the second time in my entire lifetime for my family and boyfriend. Nice or not, sumbat je okay. I don't care. Hahaha. Believe it or not, even at this age my parents are still saying this to me.

"No matter what you will always be my baby."

OR

"You are my princess."

Corny, I know. Oh wells. I am so excited for tomorrow! We are all going to have a feast at Madjack! So happyyy! It will be my PM's last day tomorrow so Big Boss and all will be there as well for Kirstie's farewell dinner. But my gang & I are gonna iftar there and enjoyyy! Love, love, love it!

September better be good

2010-08-31T10:39:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow, September will arrive and I will be converted to a Full Time staff officially. I am goddamn sleepy right now because my contacts (Malaysia) are having a public holiday at the moment so I will have to call the bloody Singapore list instead. Truthfully, I don't really like calling Singaporeans because I am a Singaporean myself and I can predict their ultimate reactions.

Wah the pay damn pathetic, hopefully september they will pay me so much higher uh :D
Right now it is $6 per hour and I owe "tailong" uh so must pay everyone back. Hehehe and then I will be left penniless once again.

I think I won't be able to break fast at home on time so I will just break fast with friends, perhaps. I still have to find henna for my third sister because I am wearing her top and she is pretty mad about it. Hahaha.

I just hope there's good food when I get home because its only 10.45am yet my tummy is grumbling like a spoilt motor boat.

Tomorrow is a school holiday, I know -.-

The Body Shop Sale

2010-08-30T11:14:00.004+08:00

BODY SHOP SALE!

70% OFF! Isn't it craaaaazyyy?

My third sister is so gonna be excited when she learns about this shit! Anyways, just too bad that Bapak is keeping all your money. Muahaha. *Mirror mirror* I also giving my dad all of my pay lah. Padan muke! Hahaha.

Alright, I have a little surprise for my third sister tomorrow. Huhu ^ ^
Who wants to go Suntec Convention Centre with me? :)

Okay I am supposed to be doing work now but since my PM MIA again (hehe) so I side-tracked a bit lah. Bumped into Sheqal in the train just now and oh dear, he looked super shag or what. Goody goody eh.

Babar is complaining about Milo and all - wah so tempting. My coughs are not getting any better but whatever. I totally forgot to pack Mum's pengat for buka later so I will just be munching on biscuits and nescafe again. Huhu.

After doing the maths, I think I might reach home around 9pm if I leave work before 8pm. Hopefully =/

On another note, I am so sad baby is busy with his course until after Hari Raya. This is why I despise NS. Takes so much of your time :(

Okay, gotta do bloody work now. SIGHS.

and we talked

2010-08-26T11:40:00.002+08:00

I had a good chat with you yesterday, like finally and it did relieved me off from this disturbing thoughts. I am glad to have you, I really am.

Alhamdulillah, this month had been well for me. I still have 6 more weeks for this project and my Project Manager was encouraging us to get 500 leads. If only I could get at least 10 leads per day I'd be so grateful, dear God.

I had to meet the Big Boss just now for my conversion to full-time status and I was so nervous. Who wouldn't be? He will get in touch with me by Monday. Jeng jeng jeng.

To another you, seriously you should start thinking before saying what you said to me. Who the ($#^ are YOU, again?

I am so bored, I can die

2010-08-25T10:36:00.002+08:00

One more week to pay day and there's just so much to payyy! Faster come, please. This week has been quite mundane for me as I spent most of my time waiting. My list is still being edited, yet again and its such a waste of time seriously.

Okay I am sleepy now.

full time wish

2010-08-23T12:18:00.002+08:00

My pay is nearing but I won't really get to taste it sadly due to certain circumstances. My hands are really itching to bake cakes or kuih but another sad story, its impossible.

Today, work has been the same like its been for the past month and I am dreading it somehow. However, Big Boss wants to see me this Thursday pertaining my status conversion to full-time so that I will earn moreee! I am pretty excited yet nervous for it.

I am having another moment of "surprise" from the boyfriend for break-fast today. He gave me options A,B and C but all of my choices are anonymous. In the end after much persuasion, my super kental boyfriend revealed his "top secrets".

A- Awak.
B- Burger Ramly.
C- Chocolates.

I am not sure what's running through his mind but it's crazy to put yourself as a "makan surprise" to your girlfriend okay? Not that fulfilling nor appetizing. Haha, but I still love you darling. I appreciate the much amusing effort :D

Till then, I am stunned by babies and their cuteness.

still very sickly

2010-08-20T09:44:00.003+08:00

I am still ill after more than a week coughing like mad. It's so depressing, really. I am also depressed with another fact which really make my heart dropped. I don't know what to do right now, I just feel so emotional seriously.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for me. I have chips more for break-fast today. It's time to lose weight and cut down on my carbo! Damnits.

We shouldn't live to please anyone but Him. Period, therefore I don't give a shit on your perceptions about me. You are not any better. :D

extremely exhausted

2010-08-18T09:28:00.002+08:00

I don't really know whats wrong with me but I am still ill after one week of fever & dry coughs. I was "forced" to swallow down cough pills yesterday and I woke up late for sahur at 5.15am. After sahur, I immediately fell into a deep sleep - waking up to boyfriend's wake up call & slept in again like a pig till 7am. Tada, I woke up late to get myself ready for work. I am feeling so bloody lethargic and exhausted.

I don't have money for break fast and I kept on smuggling food from the pantry, hahaha. Well, its meant for us anyways.

Baby, the army food yesterday was horrid. I almost died eating them. He couldn't even finish his artificial Hainanese Chicken Rice and mine was this weird Pasta crap with hotdogs. It was... well, army food.

Today is our cut-off date and I need to hand in my time sheet at the end of the day. So excited for Pay Day!

Get well soon, little sister.

bad weather // happy 13th monthsary

2010-08-17T09:38:00.004+08:00

Finally I could do some blogging right here. I haven't been working much as I was ill for the past week and it was horrible! I had a sudden yet awful sore throat which was working hand in hand with a once in a lifetime migraine for me. All I wanted to do was rest, what a piggy. Haa, and Miss Red was paying me a visit for the month since a few days before Ramadhan arrived. I was overwhelmed with god-knows-what, thus explaining the emotional wreck behaviour.

I went to Geylang the other time and being me, I hate strolling amongst crowds as well as window shopping, so I was there for merely one hour and I head back home. I really don't understand why am I so weird!

Oh and its my first fasting day for me!

Anyways, I am still haunted during my dreams and I do not earn enough sleep. Even on bus or train rides, my eyes are wide opened. I don't think its hyperactive-ness or some hormonal imbalance crap eh doctor. I feel that it's just truly disturbing you know? It wasn't just a dream, it was more like reliving that same traumatic situation that makes me hate myself for not being able to get it out of my head.

No one wants to be haunted with the same dream every single night...
All I did was cry, woke up and couldn't sleep and i cried for the following nights as well.
I think of my little brother and little sisters all the time.
I do missed them, their stupid, irritating, cute acts. They're always irritating me and at times, they do cheer me up when I suffer from a breakdown.

You know it's true. When you're far from the people who really means a lot to you, only then you will tend to appreciate their presence. I missed biting my little sister's cheeks and annoying my third sister. I missed having late night talks with my brother. Okay they aren't so little anymore but they seem little to me, in my heart, always...

Yeah, I missed my parents too. Like, alot. Hmm.

But heyyy, all is done now. I have made up my mind, right. So this is what I get since this is what I've chosen. Insyaallah, one fine day... XOXO.

On a lighter note, Happy 13th Monthsary baby! I am not sure what the hell your surprise is but I am certain that you are always full of (stupid) surprises and that's why I adore you so much, baby bonchet! Hehehe. I love you, dear :)

:'(

another ramadhan for me

2010-08-11T10:37:00.002+08:00

Today marks the first day of Ramadhan and as usual, I will have to give it a pass for the beginning and ending of Ramadhan due to my woman's nature. Then again, I brought bekal today because I am also "fasting" eh, can buka just like everybody else. Wishing hard that the food won't be bad by maghrib please. My fasting situation is similar to working without being paid I guess? Haha.

I am not so lucky because I am having a slight temperature, an ulcer as well as dry coughs which leads to a strain in my throat. All thanks to the boy, eh. The National Day was celebrated by me with not much patriotisme and the plan was not so appealling but I had a good time, though.

I have learnt something new on National's Day. Rebonding your hair may lead to a higher chance of having cancer in your head! I will not rebond ever again! (Okay macam paham uh.) We shall see, hehehehe.

I feel so damn bloody lethargic at work today and I am not sure why. I am counting down to twenty more days before I could feel "rich". Laughs.

dearest lovebug

2010-08-08T22:49:00.002+08:00

I thank you for making my belated birthday celebration a memorable one bringing me to places where I've always wanted to go, lavishing me with loads of priceless gifts. I am deeply overjoyed. But one thing's for sure, you've turned me into a rotund pumpkin after losing the supposedly a bag of rice weight back when I thought I have already lost you. Poor you, do recover pretty soon because it worries me a lot you know. I don't like the way its hurting you.

We have learnt from our past and we are not allowing history to repeat itself ever again. I shall remember, I shall learn and I shall be grateful for life's greatest gift with the blessings from Allah.

What's done cannot be undone. I chose this path in life and nobody knows what will happen in the near future. Do not be deluded because this world is not just about you.

I love you, with all my heart.

You can hate me, but you ain't me.

ROMEO TAKE ME

2010-08-06T11:36:00.001+08:00

Today was alternatively better than yesterday.
I had a temperature but his was worst. He was burning like fire, chey. Haha.
I got loads of work today whats with the partnership crap and all, I am a busy busy woman. Tets. Still just a girl whenever I look at myself in the mirror.

Holding my head up high, trying to be tough. Don't have to act it, when you are being it. So long and goodbye.

Will be "upgrading" my blog soon. It needs a lot of work on babeh!

On a lighter note, Happy Birthday little one. I love you, even if you hate me.

my night was purely a scare.

2010-08-05T09:36:00.002+08:00

I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE OF "THAT NIGHT" AND I DON'T KNOW WHY ITS STILL HAUNTING ME. I FEEL SO SCARED EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT WAS JUST A REPETITIVE DREAM. I CANNOT BREATHE A WORD ABOUT IT TO ANYONE, YET I WANT TO BUT I AM SO TERRIFIED. I FELT THE PAIN ALL OVER AGAIN, ACHING THROUGH MY WEAKENING MUSCLES.

I WOKE UP WITH TEARS ON MY FACE - ALONE ON THE BED.

I WAS LATE FOR WORK AND FUGG, I THINK THEY MIGHT DEDUCT $3 OFF MY BUTT. SICKENING UH, BUT WHAT TO DO? THIS IS REALITY. THIS IS WORKING LIFE & I WHOLLY ACCEPT IT WITH MY WHOLE HEART, PREVENTING MYSELF FROM BEING FICKLE AND IMMATURE.

GET WELL SOON, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH :'/ *BIG HUG*

On another note, I felt like capitalising my words as it appears to show my "powerful" emotions. Tadaa.

Iammyownme

2010-08-03T10:07:00.003+08:00

Yes earthlings, I was that cute ages ago. Hahaha.

I am feeling so lazy at work even though I am being "upgraded", hehehe. I am the key in-charge to my IBM project seh. Say I AM PROUD OF ME, everybody! I have to do two different reports now and its quite troublesome. One report more than enough right, since I am more or less handling the Malaysia project all by myself. Zzz.

Boohoo, my baby is ill. Get well soon, dearest. You sounded like a toad plus the kemek voice but still exceptionally cute okay? I landed myself a second job & I am starting work soon. They said it's not gonna be easy for me. Well, in the first place have I ever wanted it EASY?

Pay day is in 27 days and Ramadhan will be nearing to the end by then. Cepat lah pay day, I very terseksa you know :(

you are beautiful

2010-07-30T22:07:00.001+08:00

To the girl whose beauty is present in all seasons,
I want to tell you why you are beautiful, here are the reasons:
Your beauty extends as high as the tallest mountains,
it goes on forever and never flattens.
Even when the clouds heighten,
you are here and the world brightens.
You are like a fruit that constantly ripens,
your beauty continues to grow no matter what happens.
You are unique in the way that you glisten,
it never erodes, it only thickens.
My fondness for you constantly deepens,
because every time I see you my knees begin to weakens .
The rules of nature you do not follow,
you shine so bright you create your own shadow.
When you are out of sight the world feels shallow,
but your face never leaves my mind, it rep s like an echo.
Your beauty is like a boulder that can’t be moved,
it never shakes and it can’t be improved.
The one sound I like to hear, it’s an easy choice, !
it’s the soothing sound of your voice.
It complements your looks with the perfect melody,
putting all around you in complete harmony.
You are better than a man’s best fantasy,
God showed us mercy when he gave us you and e to see.
Your beauty increases with every br h,
it exceeds the limits that my imagination can stretch.
You have what others could only wish to match,
but your beauty they will never ch.
I swear, you would be the answer to a prayer,
if someone wished for something rare with beauty to spare.
Given the choice I would choose this girl over air,
for air cannot compare to a girl that can’t be found elsewhere.

-MIKA

parachute

2010-07-30T13:24:00.002+08:00

You can say its the worst birthday ever because for the first time in my life, I didn't celebrate my birthday. I didn't have a good birthday, but no one is to be blamed but myself. I cannot say that I am happy or sad because truth is, I am neither here nor there.

I know I must be blabbing and not everyone can decipher what/who I am trying to reach out to, but heck lah okay. I don't need celebrations, I am just contented that I am still alive. Alhamdulillah :')

just like the waving flag

2010-07-29T17:15:00.002+08:00

I know you are thinking of me. Maybe its hurting, but anger gets the better of you. Must read Surah Abasa okay?

Today, marks a day where I was brought into this cunning yet kind(too) world.

my last day of being eighteen years old

2010-07-28T12:05:00.003+08:00

Everytime I close my eyes, I see my name in shining
light. -Billionaire by Travie McCoy

Anyhow, today is my last day of being eighteen years old. When midnight strikes, I am officially nineteen but... I came out of my Mum at 1330 hrs plus plus at Mount Alvernia Hospital after probably 12 hours of her being in labour thanks to me. I thank you both for bringing me into this world, for teaching me how to walk and talk. For making me a princess till forever and ever. For everything that I have never thank you for. If only you knew how much you mean to me. Whatever happens, I would love you both till my very last breath. Sweet dreams each night, imagine me hold you tight. :')

Moving on...

As you can see, the pictures above is related to my job. I was excited for the signature even though it looked a bit unglam. If you peruse closely, you can see it. Right? Hah. I am not a happy girl after all.

akan ku singkap di masa depanku buat kenangan di masa lalu

2010-07-27T09:55:00.003+08:00

Setelah aku meniti hari demi hari, aku kian pasrah dengan pancaroba yang melanda hidupku ini. Masa berputik dengan begitu pantas, alangkah hiba rasanya apabila aku merenung pada titik-titik yang lalu. Sememangnya pengalaman dan kejadian pahit getir itu mematangkan diriku serta fikiranku. Apakah aku ini daif dan kurang menggunakan akal yang dikurniakan Illahi?

Mungkin juga! Aku tidak dapat menafikan perasaan sayu dan jiwa yang meronta-ronta menginginkan kasih sayang mereka. Namun, aku juga tidak dapat melupakan peristiwa yang masih lagi menghantui diriku ini saban hari. Aku hanyalah insan biasa yang tidak dapat lari daripada membuat kesilapan. Aku bukan nabi, aku juga tidak tergolong di kalangan orang-orang yang warak.

Aku juga tidak pasti, golongan apakah aku ini?

Sebak di dada tak dapat aku menahan, apabila lagu-lagu yang membuatku merenung akan kenangan kita. Kadangkala aku rasa tersisih. Retak di dada tak dapat dilihat pada mata yang kasar. Hanya senyuman dan ketawa riang yang dapat menceriakan diriku buat sementara sahaja. Apabila aku dibiarkan seorang diri, akan ku renung dan menyingkap segala peristiwa atau masa depanku yang tidak dapat aku bayangkan.

Tanpa diketahui, takdirku ini akan memberikan hikmah yang sempurna sejujur-jujurnya. Walaubagaimanapun, aku tetap berserah pada Yang Maha Esa dan aku bersyukur atas segala pemberiannya kepadaku selama ini.

Tiada lebih yang aku pinta, hanya Engkau sahaja yang tahu niat dan doa ku. Oleh itu, biarlah ia menjadi rahsia di dalam hati kecilku ini.

Sekian...

MM for MONDAY MENDAK

2010-07-26T10:27:00.003+08:00

I don't know what the hell my PM is doing but I am currently sitting here scratch balls (imaginary ones) while waiting for her to instruct me what to do today since I've completed my call list last week. Tommy had been the only group member I know existed and perhaps the other dude was Shaun or something? My work is called lepak sampai mampos. I am not a big fan of working "gaji buta" cos I would much prefer working under pressure and put on my thinking cap, voila!

I like pressure, because at least my brain cells are working hard to live for something thus my life ain't gonna be so jaded. Hahaha but I am so loving it right now, alhamdulillah.

In the super mad train-rush today, I felt like kicking one perfectly corporate-dressed lady whom practised the art of kiasu-ism by shoving everyone past her. I felt like putting out a leg and let her trip and pretend to sleep afterwards but then again, this is not primary school lah dey.

So I listened to "Baik-Baik Sayang" by Wali Band and instantly, tears were streaming down my cheeks. I am grateful for my "pontianak" look alike hair for being my armour in covering my wet face. Out of the blue, with the Almighty's greatest powers, images of my flesh and blood appeared. I missed them terribly... Okay zip!

I rather shut than go on and on and on.

Nonetheless, the weekends were wonderfully spent as I finally made trips to amazing places in Singapore which I've never been to and holy smokes, we had pretty memories captured and seized in our little hearts. I thank Allah for having youuuuu :)

I hope you're doing fine wherever you are, always... :)

Abang Wan, do get well soon! :(

everytime i think of you

2010-07-23T10:01:00.002+08:00

I was almost late to work and fortunately, me and Makcik managed to be on time which was just two minutes away from being late. Today my Project Manager is on Annual Leave and thank goodness I have completed my Call List yesterday but (a pretty big buttt) without hitching any Leads at all. Suck balls manxzxzx!

Kechique Star (Hahahahaha) is working half day only whilst the two horny baskets are not working at all today. So, that left me with Makcik right here. I've swallowed the whole packet of Nasi Lemak even though I don't eat fishcakes and hotdogs. Perhaps, I should stop being so fussy about food and hygiene. Come on Miss, its not the end of the world.

Boy aren't you a bit too... overprotective?

You know what, I missed my ______ so much. Somehow, I do deep down. I don't think I am living in denial, its just that...

to the fucks

2010-07-22T10:30:00.002+08:00

Hi world.
I have started on a new job now and its based on projects from time to time. I guess the travelling wore me out by day fall and this job is just mentally torturing. I hoped to get myself better job prospects or perhaps continue my studies somehow. I love the pay though, hehehe. My colleagues are very horny people. Meeeoww.

You see, motherfucker, I ain't giving up with my life just because I have made terrible mistakes in my life. I am not a dreamy person who falls for someone and harp on unrequited love instead. Oh fuck you, all these while being my friend was just a hypocrisy pretense on your side? I feel sorry for you, bitch. Don't blame me for getting retained together with me, ass. Are you like fucking stupid? You've got your own pea brains even if mine was just another nut to you. You took your own exams, I took mine and we coincidentally failed so fuck you if its because of me. I may be hated all around me but so what? I thought you've got your own life and brains and feelings that mattered fuck to you? Boohoo. You've got some serious issues too, girl.

And you the other bitch, call yourself an educator. I take my hats off for you at that. Oh wells, you're human too - just like me. Who knows what your daughter may turn out to be? Tick, tock, tick, tock.

What makes you think I don't have the right to say anything at all? Huh?

Probably somewhere down the road, we'll cross paths but hey, I don't hold no grudge against any of you fuckers cos we are all destined for something, somehow, some day.
I am just living my own life and involving you in mine is definitely outrageous. Hahaha. Yeah, fuck you loser. You hate your own blood.

Whatever I did, I don't hate mine, bitch. Come what may, I'd still love my very own to the very core and I'd trade nothing else because I have them, even if we are separated or far apart. Whatever way karma works, I don't really care because the Almighty is the greatest and I still believe in Him with my every might.

Thanks for appearing in my life once upon a time. I shut you out just like you'd shut me :)

the first

2010-07-16T03:36:00.001+08:00

Alhamdulillah, I love you with every beat of my heart.

fuck ah seriously, fuck it

2010-07-09T14:44:00.003+08:00

Firstly, I think Kak Jiji's iPhone is so cool, aku nak satu iPhone boleh?

Secondly, aku binget gile sekarang ni. I feel so geram eh. Lagi kau dengar cakap orang yang rase dia boleh baca isi hati aku, aku geram eh. Kau bukan Tuhan eh boleh tengok masa depan. Aku tak heran siape kau, tapi seriously, aku benci kalau kau memandai-mandai pasal aku. Fikir bukan-bukan. Kau nak aku berubah, aku cuba ubah hidup aku, nak tenangkan fikiran aku. Tapi ape yang korang buat ni semua, ape yang korang fikir sekarang ni buat aku geram membara.

Don't expect me to be the same again. I don't trust any of you and I am fucking angry right now.

You don't wanna lose me?

Fact is, you've lost her already.

I'll never be the same, if we ever meet again.

Three weeks of hell

2010-07-07T13:15:00.002+08:00

Hi, so far its been hmmm...
Okay lah Alhamdulillah aku lebih tenang.
Tapi aku rindu sangat dengan Hafiz.
Bile dia nak balik eh?

Hari ni, aku nak type dalam Bahasa Melayu saje je.
Aku happy hari tu aku terserempak dengan Baby Boob & Nizar.
Haiz, but sadly we couldn't talk for long.
Takpe.

Ade orang tu cakap takde sekolah nak accept aku lagi.
Haiz. Dia belum tau lagi eh bai?

Besok aku kene pergi CGH.
Tengok lah macam mane.
Tsk, aku bukan gile lah.

Recuperating joy.

(I can't believe I am saying this.)

I love you, babyboy. Staying strong.

Kau tak suke aku punye hopes ke ape ke kau delete aku sudah lah, tak payah buat sakit hati kau baca status aku kalau tak ikhlas. Ninaanaa.

depressed

2010-07-05T08:06:00.003+08:00

I'm lonely and I'm tired.
I'm missing you again, oh no.
Once again...

Suara ku berharap ;'(

2010-07-04T09:56:00.002+08:00

Disini aku masih sendiri
Merenungi hari-hari sepi
Aku tanpa mu
Masih tanpa mu

Bila esok hari datang lagi
Ku coba untuk hadapi semua ini
Meski tanpa mu meski tanpa mu

Bila aku dapat bintang yang berpijar
Mentari yang tenang bersama ku disini
Ku dapat tertawa menangis merenung
Di tempat ini aku bertahan

Suara dengarkan lah aku
Apa khabarnya pujaan hati ku
Aku di sini menunggunya
Masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Suara dengarkan lah aku
Apakah aku slalu dihatinya
Aku di sini menunggunya
Masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Kalau ku masih tetap disini
Ku lewati semua yang terjadi
Aku menunggu mu aku menunggu

Suara dengarkan lah aku
Apa khabarnya pujaan hati ku
Aku di sini menunggunya
Masih berharap di dalam hatinya

I regret not telling you how cute you are

2010-07-03T05:44:00.002+08:00

You are so cute that I keep on falling in love with you.

Alright, I've got an interview later. Insyaallah, everything's gonna be alright.
Later on there will be a family BBQ (paternals). Ooookaaay.

I love you, cute one. Always do. 13 more days, what would it be like eh?

I don't want to count anymore ; ku menanti

2010-07-02T07:12:00.004+08:00

I missed watching stupid movies with you. I missed cuddling. I missed your scent. I missed your ketiak also. I missed giving you the food that I can never finish up and end up getting scolded by you. I missed singing songs & playing games with you. I missed biting you when you didn't notice. I missed finding faults with you for no apparent reason just because I want you to pamper me. I missed your cute surprises like cooking nasi goreng or mocha simpan inside fridge for me. I missed how excited a year ago everything was so cute, happy and just... happy.

Reading back my posts since a year ago makes me appreciate you in my life. I regret not appreciating whatever you did for me and always expecting more out of you even when you did your best.

I missed the calls & messages. I missed that sweet smile which always melts me even after seeing it almost every single day. I missed you taking care of me and regret that I've never, ever said THANK YOU baby.

If ever you read this, you should search into your soul and know where to find me. I don't know how long I will love you, but for now, I believe I can love you forever if you allow me to. Forever is a scary word, perhaps. We can believe it, or we don't.

Whatever it is, I love you. I really do :)

TWO WEAK ONE DEAD

2010-06-30T01:46:00.002+08:00

JANGAN MENANGIS SAYANG...

Tell me Suria! :'(

weak two weeks

2010-06-29T01:48:00.004+08:00

It's making me weaker and weaker by day. It's two weeks now, hell no. It doesn't change a bit. Nothing's changing, till I get to see you again perhaps? A month from now I may turn nineteen years old. Not a nice number, nah-uh. But it's dreadful thinking about the 16th than the 29th. You feel me?

I need to get out of here, badly.

I missed you, like I've never did. I want all those happy times back. Please endure my baby. I need you to be strong, because I am not sure if I am ever near being one but I do try although I am not so sure of myself each time.

I love you, okay? I truly do. :)

Day 13 to 14

2010-06-28T01:21:00.003+08:00

I am missing you more and stronger. The part which is killing me is not knowing how you're doing.

If you really love me, stop asking me to forget someone who gave me so much to remember. I love him and I treasured every beautiful moment we ever had. You're deeply etched in my mind and no, I won't regret this decision. Stop bugging me already.

I want to grow old with you, baby :)
Be safe and well wherever you are.

Day 12 - NO ONE

2010-06-26T04:18:00.003+08:00

I JUST WANT YOU CLOSE, WHERE WE CAN STAY FOREVER...
YOU CAN BE ASSURED, THAT IT WILL ONLY GET BETTER.
YOU & ME TOGETHER.
THROUGH THE DAYS & NIGHTS.
I WON'T WORRY COS EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALRIGHT.

DAY 11

2010-06-25T00:32:00.003+08:00

It's Day 11, earthlings. I am still alive. Wow.

heartache, very pain

2010-06-24T06:31:00.003+08:00

Again, I am up the whole night just like its been for a week plus now. Crying & unable to sleep, missing you so very terribly. May Allah protect you, my love :')

Day-ead

2010-06-24T02:08:00.004+08:00

It feels like I don't have to wait for long. Insyaallah. I am grateful that I've lost another 6 kilos and that my dad was praising me earlier on, since I could fit into smaller clothes somehow. It's an amazing feeling, yes it is.

Alhamdulillah I am still alive.

You see, even being more than a week apart from you couldn't stop me from thinking & loving you. I missed you, but of course. I wished hard I know how you're doing.

For always being here for me, thank you Izyan Razalee and Sarah Banu. Always, always and always here for me. Hearts! Not forgetting Nashiedatul Umairah for entertaining me online every single time. I've got a bunch of beautiful people in my life, thank you for not giving up on me. Above all, my precious family. What makes you think I don't love my own flesh and blood? Screw you.

You see, if you think your life is way perfect, god bless you. I know everything happens for a reason. You can have your say, so could I. No one can stop you, no one can stop me too. You don't know what really happened and you don't have to know, so don't pretend like you know everything and well, I couldn't shut that stinking trap of yours. Suits you best. I've got too much on my sleeves to even feel bothered that I've lost friends or perhaps, hate anyone. I don't hate people, mind you. :)

I am not quite sure when those awesome classmates of mine will be having their Semi-Finals competition, but its great to know they've made that far. All the best Mastura, Nasri, Juliana & Shahirah.

I still have insomnia. Godddd.

A day after WEAK One

2010-06-22T03:39:00.002+08:00

This my love, has been our favorite picture all these while.
It's so hard but I guess, I am really fighting this. Missing you had been crazy but I am certain all these will be worth it. I can only pray and seek for His guidance, hoping that you'd change. Heck what people will say, it's not like they will ever stop bitching.

I don't want to bother myself with it because the more I think about it, the more hurt I'll be. With this, you'll get to know who is really true to you & won't give up on you regardless of how much grave mistakes you made. Twice may not make me a recalcitrant. Zzz.

I wished you knew how I'm doing and vice-versa.

I love you, Izrul Hafiz Bin Ismail.

Day 7 - Weak One

2010-06-21T04:18:00.003+08:00

EVERY BREATH I TAKE,
I MISSED YOU BABY...

Day 6

2010-06-20T01:36:00.003+08:00

Somehow I am feeling a little bit sleepy because I only managed to shut my eyes for 3 hours max. I am not quite sure if its insomnia, zzz.

On the contrary, I guess we can't shut other people's trap right so I'll just zip because there's no point retaliating. Orang macam gini tak suke kalah punye. Sorry saya bukan malaikat.

Thank goodness I've got such caring siblings, they've always been so sweet to me. Thank youuuu :D

I am clueless about you darling. Insyaallah, you will pull this through just as much as me fighting through this ordeal. We're strong and we know it. You're very dear to me.

You can name me whatever you want alright, but I just wonder why you do you have to bersemangat poke into my business as if you've been dealing with me since forever & as if you searched high and low for me. You did nothing, so...

Now, I am very proud of my figure. Gotta work a little bit harder though for the figure of my dreams.

I missed you dearly, sweetheart =*

Day 4 & 5

2010-06-19T00:28:00.003+08:00

Hi myself. Yesterday was Friday and I was unable to update my blog due to insomnia. I slept when the sun have risen & I woke up around 4pm plus. I felt a little different today. Bapak brought us out for some grocery shopping and we had a parents-daughter talk. Indeed, I am thankful to Allah for giving me the opportunity to continue living. After everything that I have done, many shun me. However, my parents, aunts & uncles and hafiz's mother forgave me.

I know I don't deserve their forgiveness and yes my future is bleak right now. However today, I told myself that I have got to be strong. If I don't change for the better, and if I don't put in the efforts - it will be pointless. It has to start with me.

Perhaps, telling myself this may seem redundant unless I start pushing myself.

I have planned what I am going/have to do. I'm looking for a job and I've sent multiple resumes. I need to save up and pick up from what I've left. Giving up is not an option. Besides, I know I am not alone. Somehow, somewhere, there will always be people who still cares. It doesn't really matter. What matters is I've got to prove MYSELF that I am still worth being me.

My love, I know its going to be hard and it already is. I know you're strong, and I know you must be hurting. But I know how hard this may be, our parents are always here for us. I guess, we're still blessed with great and wonderful family. I am truly contented for that. Let's continue to seek guidance in Allah & not give up. I missed you dearly and I pray that we will make a difference to our lives & repent from our past mistakes. It's not the end of the world, but its the beginning of a new phase which we've got to endure. Let's be a better person for ourselves and our family. I hope you'll change for the better and will be able to guide me with maturity & responsibility. Amiin...

I am just glad to hear from my boyfriend's brother and mother. It did ease my worries. You can call me, him or my parents names for all you want. You can tell the whole world about what I've done. You can embarrass me. You can despise me. You can do whatever you want, because if that satisfies you, I don't hold a grudge against you. Ultimately, Allah is still here. I still believe in Allah and I don't blame anyone for anything at all.

Whatever I've done is fully my fault. I've never involved anyone and if ever you happen to get involve, if ever it was sincere, you don't have to complain. I've loved the people around me and I still do. Forgive me if I have always been one miserable bitch who mess with your life. It was never my intention. See you all, when you wished to see me... again.

At least I ate half of a popiah today and I drank 3/4 of Teh Tarik Ice. I am fine with losing weight like this. Seeing food makes me want to... And I am not even sure why.

day 3

2010-06-17T23:53:00.003+08:00

It's still as heartbreaking as ever. You people may try to sweet talk or mock at me, but I am telling you it is not working.

My dearest Izrul Hafiz, I just wonder and worry how you're coping. I missed you so much, and I do hope for a better change for the both of us. I will always love you :'(

Amazingly, its been three days since I last ate. I am not even hungry.